Following the blockbuster leak of the Los Angeles 2028 DEI Olympics planning documents, our crack Fantasy Friday team (operating out of a secure bunker stocked with coffee and sarcasm) has unearthed even more details about this groundbreaking rebrand of the world’s premier athletic event. Forget personal bests, world records, or the thrill of victory—the Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Olympics are here to ensure everyone feels validated, no matter how little they’ve trained. Sponsored by the U.S. Department of Vibes, a coalition of Ivy League grievance studies departments, and a tech startup that sells AI-generated apologies, these Games are poised to redefine “excellence” as “showing up… maybe.”
The Paris 2024 Games were just a warm-up. Los Angeles 2028 will double down, ensuring no one is excluded—except those pesky meritocrats who insist on things like “effort” or “skill.” The motto? “Citius, Altius, Equalius”—Faster, Higher, More Identical Outcomes. The official mascot is a non-binary sloth named “Equi,” who refuses to climb the podium because it’s a symbol of hierarchy.
Opening Ceremony: A Spectacle of Sensitivity
The ceremony kicks off with a 12-hour land acknowledgment performed via interpretive dance by a troupe of non-athletes selected for their intersectional identities. The Olympic flame, deemed too aggressive, is replaced by a gently glowing orb powered by sustainable tears of historical redress. Instead of a parade of nations, athletes participate in a “Global Unity Nap,” where everyone lies down in a circle to symbolize equality (and avoid triggering anyone with a fear of standing).
The national anthem has been replaced by a spoken-word poem titled “Ode to Reparations,” performed in 47 languages simultaneously. To avoid cultural appropriation, no one is allowed to clap—spectators must instead snap their fingers in Morse code to spell out “SOLIDARITY.”
Expanded Events: Where Everyone’s a Winner (Except Logic)
The DEI Olympics are packed with innovative events designed to prioritize feelings over results. Here’s a fresh batch to complement the classics:
- Pronoun Relay: Teams pass a baton while shouting their preferred pronouns. Dropping the baton is fine, but mispronouncing “xe/xir” results in immediate disqualification and a mandatory sensitivity seminar.
- Intersectional Archery: No arrows are fired—too violent. Instead, competitors aim “intentional affirmations” at a target labeled “Systemic Injustice.” Points are awarded based on how many marginalized identities the archer claims.
- Safe Space Synchronized Swimming: Swimmers float in a pool filled with ethically sourced lavender water, forming shapes like “Ally” and “Reparations.” Any splash that could be interpreted as microaggressive results in a time-out.
- Trigger Warning Triathlon: Athletes cycle through a course of historical reenactments, swim across a pool of deconstructed narratives, and run while carrying a 50-pound “Privilege Backpack.” The winner is whoever cries the most authentically.
- Virtue Signal Vault: Competitors leap over a bar set at the height of public approval on social media. Bonus points for posting a selfie mid-vault with the hashtag #ImAnAlly.
Scoring System: Merit Is Overrated
Scores are no longer based on performance, as that’s inherently discriminatory. Instead, the Oppression Algorithm™ calculates results using a complex formula involving identity markers, historical grievances, and how many times an athlete has been retweeted for activism. Traditional stopwatches and measuring tapes have been banned for their “colonial connotations.” Time is now tracked via “emotional duration,” and distances are measured in “steps toward justice.”
Medals are out, replaced by Affirmation Orbs—biodegradable spheres filled with glitter and inspirational quotes from TikTok philosophers. Everyone gets one, unless you’re deemed “problematic,” in which case you receive a sternly worded email from the Inclusive Accountability Committee.
Athlete Training: Deprogramming Greatness
To prepare for the DEI Olympics, athletes undergo a rigorous “Unlearning Excellence” bootcamp. Key modules include:
- Suppressing Ambition 101: How to replace the desire to win with a commitment to collective mediocrity.
- Microaggression Identification Lab: Spotting problematic behaviors, like someone running too fast or looking confident.
- Mandatory Rest Days: To avoid perpetuating hustle culture, athletes must take 29 days off per month.
The U.S. team is coached by a 23-person DEI Consulting Firm, whose only qualification is a viral TED Talk titled “Why Winning Is Violence.” Their strategy? Ensure no one feels left out, even if it means finishing the 100-meter dash in 47 minutes.
Venue Updates: Los Angeles Goes All-In
The DEI Olympics will take place in a series of “Trauma-Informed Stadiums” designed to minimize competitive energy. Features include:
- Cushioned Tracks: To prevent anyone from feeling the pain of falling behind.
- Pronoun-Neutral Locker Rooms: Equipped with affirmation mirrors that say, “You
- are enough, unless you’re a capitalist.”
- Spectator-Free Stands: Crowds are banned to avoid “performance pressure.” Instead, events are livestreamed with mandatory trigger warnings.
The main stadium, renamed the Equity Dome, is powered entirely by solar panels and the collective guilt of its corporate sponsors. Concession stands serve only vegan, gluten-free, culturally non-appropriative kale smoothies, priced at $47 to “redistribute wealth.”
Closing Ceremony: A Celebration of Sameness
The Games wrap up with a “Festival of Uniform Outcomes,” where all athletes hold hands and sing a cover of “Imagine” rewritten to include 17 new verses about microaggressions. The Olympic orb is extinguished by a committee of 82 bureaucrats after a four-hour debate about whether “extinguishing” is too triggering. Spoiler: It is.
A Call to Action
The DEI Olympics are a bold step toward a world where no one strives, no one fails, and no one dares to be better than anyone else. But here’s a radical idea: What if we revived an Olympics where sweat, sacrifice, and skill take center stage? Where athletes compete not for clout or checkboxes, but for the sheer joy of pushing human limits?
Or we can just tune in to Los Angeles 2028, where the only thing faster than the runners is the speed at which common sense gets canceled. Bring your affirmation orb and a strong stomach—it’s gonna be a wild ride.